He told me he loved me.

I got grumpy last night. Whether it was hormonal or chemical or what I do not know. But, I was grumpy. I was mad at the dog because he wouldn't stop sniffing my butt. I was mad at Jeff because he doesn't notice huge messes. I was mad at the kids because they make huge messes. And I was mad at myself for being mad at such stupid things. And I lost it. I mean, really lost it.

I yelled at the dog first. Poor Abe. He always seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then I yelled at Jeff. Poor Jeff. He was just there. Lucky for the kids they had already gone to bed or else they probably would have received the brunt of my grumpiness.

Since I don't feel too bad about being grumpy with Abe (he forgets easily), it wasn't but 10 minutes (about half way in to My Rona Home) after my fit that I began to feel sincere remorse for how I had yelled at my poor husband. Poor guy. So, I did what I find myself needing to do way too often.......I apologized. It was a sincere apology. I really did feel terrible. I couldn't even back up the apology with a, "I acted that way because.......". I had no idea why I acted that way. Sometimes, it's easier when there is a reason. But, there was none. No reason at all.

And do you know what my husband said?? I can tell you what he didn't say. He didn't say, "Are you PMS'ing?" And he didn't say, "Did you take your medication today?" And he didn't say, "That was really ridiculous and uncalled for." Nope. He didn't say any of those things.

All he said was, "I love you, Erin." Huh?!?! He LOVES me?? After my two year old fit. And he loves me? How, oh how, oh how, does my husband love me after all that?

And I was reduced to tears. A big pile of mush, I was. Oh, I love this man. How I LOVE him! So many times he is Jesus to me. He shows me love when I don't deserve it. He shows forgiveness before I've even asked for it.

At our church yesterday, the sermon was about the Fruits of the Spirit (you know- peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, gentleness, faithfulness) and how we need to show these fruits in our relationships with each other. Jeff modeled it perfectly for me last night.

I am determined that I will follow Jeff's example and be the Fruit in my relationships, too. But, I want to ask that you be patient with me as I struggle to truly grasp what this means. And perhaps before we show anger and unforgiveness towards others, (which I completely deserved last night), perhaps our first response when we are wronged by someone should simply be, "I love you."

I am going to start praying that this will be my response when I feel wronged by others. Lord knows, Fruit has been shown towards me more times than I can count.

Kind of like last night when Jeff told me he loved me.

Dear lady in the black Mercedes SUV.......

Today as I loaded Selah up in the van, you sat in your brand new shiny black Mercedes SUV. I didn't think about the wind that was blowing like crazy when I opened up my door. The wind caught my door and banged violently in to your passenger door. The scratch was quite noticeable, although there did not appear to be any body damage.

You rolled down your window and, to my surprise, said, "Don't worry about it! It's just a car! No worries!"

"Don't you want to take a look at it?" I asked. "I have insurance and I'm more than happy to give you my information."

"No way! It's a car! And it was a total accident. I'm not even going to look at it."

I mumbled my sincere apologies. And I was moved and humbled by the mercy in which you showed me.

I watched as you unloaded your own daughter and walked in to the grocery store, never even looking at the scratch. I'm not sure you realize what an impact you made on me.

And you, ma'am, are one of the reasons why I have fallen in love with this city called Calgary.

The one that my parents pretend I didn't write.

I've had something on my mind lately. It's really bugging me. It has to do with "relations" between a husband and a wife. Now, I am NOT afraid of the "s" word, believe me. But, I don't want to write it on this blog and receive unwanted visitors who may be searching for certain articles with the "s" word. So, please know that if you speak to me in person about this subject I am more than happy to use correct terminology, but, for now, on this blog, I will refer to the "s" word as "relations."

I help out with a group at our church called Moms and Tots. It's basically a bunch of moms who get together and have an hour or so of uninterrupted conversation while the kids are being babysat. When I asked the moms what sorts of topics they would like to talk about this year, guess what their first answer was? That's right- relations. Several moms said things along the lines of, "I just want to spice it up more and I want to talk about it openly and honestly in a non-raunchy sort of way."

I have several friends right now who are struggling in their marriages because of lack of relations. Either, it's never been fun or life has gotten in the way and there seems to be no time or energy for it.

I just think that God made relations, people. I think he made it for us to enjoy in our marriages! He didn't make it for us to dread or despise or withhold. He made it for our enjoyment! And I can't figure out why, if He made it for us to enjoy, it's such a taboo subject. I can't figure out why we don't talk about it more at church and with our small groups. I can't figure out why it seems to be such a shameful subject.

Having relations with your spouse is NOT shameful. It is not scandalous. It is a beautiful, amazing God- created gift. Not to mention the fact that it is a physical and emotional need!

I want to direct you to a Christian- based website that we (Jeff and I) have found to be very "helpful." It is called The Marriage Bed. LOVE this site!

For my sake and for others who read this blog and struggle in this area, I would love to hear your suggestions on ways to improve this part of our marriages. And, as always, please comment anonymously if you feel the need!

Emotional eating and all the stories they never told me in Bible class

I am reading through the Bible. For the first time. Ever. Yes, I've read the Bible and, just like most of you, I know all the main stories. I've memorized all the normal verses that we are challenged to memorize as youngsters. I know Noah and the Ark and David and the Giant and Jonah and the Big Fish and Jesus Born in a Manger.

I have meditated on Philippians and the Psalms. I have sought after wisdom in the Proverbs. I have giggled through Song of Solomon.

But, I've never read all the way through the Bible.

I am amazed at all the things I never learned in Sunday School. Rightfully so, mind you. There is some craziness going on all the way back in Genesis! Like, have you read the Naked Noah story? (Genesis 9: 18-29) And, don't even get me started on Judges. Oh. My. Word. I hadn't even heard of Jephthah and what he did to his daughter?!?!?! Wow.

But, one of the verses that I love the most lately is found in 1 Samuel. Hannah is pleading with God to give her a son. Eli, a priest at the temple where she is praying, sees her and thinks she is drunk or crazy because she's crying so much. Most of us probably know the story of how God does eventually give Hannah a son, whom she calls Samuel. But, back before she becomes pregnant, Eli tells Hannah to "Go in peace." He blesses her by saying, "May the God of Israel give you what you have asked him for." (Chap. 1 vs. 17)

Here's the kicker. The part that makes me laugh. The part that makes me feel better. The part that makes me realize how real of a woman Hannah was:

Then she left and had something to eat. Her face wasn't sad anymore. (Chap. 1 vs. 18)

Seriously?!?!? Even way back then women were emotional eating??? Hannah was sad. She ate. And she was happy. I love that. I have so much more in common with Hannah than I thought! (Besides the fact that we both had sons named Samuel.)

Sometimes I am sad. But then I eat. And I am happy.

Three Years Ago Today.

Selah Thu became ours on this day three years ago. I simply can not imagine life without my beautiful girl. Of course, it wasn't easy. Just like pregnancy, an adoption process is filled with uncertainty and scary moments. But, the second your child is placed in your arms, every doubt simply vanishes. Selah Thu is "ours" in every sense of the word and we know that God's hand orchestrated every part of her becoming ours.

Our very first glimpse of Selah sent via e-mail.

Me meeting Selah for the first time at the orphanage.

Jeff meeting Selah for the first time. She really took to him more than me at first. I remember him saying, "Hello, my sweet Selah. Daddy's gonna buy you a car and a pony. Whatever you want because you're my girl, aren't ya?"

Our spunky, sassy girl.

This isn't the greatest pic of Selah, but I just love the relationship that these two have. Selah adores her daddy. (more than me, I think)

I LOVE THIS GIRL!!!!! (And I think our smiles are similar.)

Several months ago, a friend e-mailed me after I had made a comment about Selah being adopted. (I can't remember the exact comment.) Anyways- my friend wrote and said something along the lines of, "I forget that Selah is adopted because she is so much a part of your family. When I look at her, I don't see your "adopted" daughter, I simply see Selah, your daughter." (I'm not sure, Hope, you knew how much those words meant to me at the time.)

You see, I don't recognize Selah as my adopted daughter. When someone approaches us and asks us about her, I am usually taken aback because I forget that she looks different. She is just our daughter.

She is not my adopted daughter. Not my daughter that looks different.

Just my daughter.

Jeff and I are having a discussion and would like your opinion.

Is it always possible for one spouse to work and one to stay at home and maintain a reasonable standard of living? (ie, live above poverty) Post anonymously if you feel the need.

Halfway to manhood.

That's what Sam reminded me of this morning. Tomorrow, Sam will be nine. Could it be that this boy who I gave birth to a mere nine years ago is so close to being a legal adult? It's hard to believe.

I love this boy. (And I will continue to say "boy" for a very long time.) I love his desire to please and the frustration he hasn't quite learned to control when he doesn't please. I love his competitiveness- so much like my own. I love his desire to be like his daddy. I love his protectiveness of Selah.

There is much I am proud of in Sam. I think that the mama bear has come out in me more often over Sam than my other kids. He is intelligent and sensitive and sometimes in the world's eyes this can equal nerdy and a cry baby. How often I have told him through my own tears that the Lord is pleased with his sensitive heart and that this is how Sam was created! And how often I have come to my room and sobbed knowing that there will be more heartache and trials and wanting so badly to shield him from it all.

Sam is quite proud of the increased hairiness on his arms and gets very excited over every little bump that pops up on his face. "Mom- I think I'm getting my first pimple!" he'll say. I love this sweet innocence and I hope he will always be proud, but know it is not likely he will always be eager to share. I wish I could hold on to it a little bit longer.

I wish I could hold on to Sam a little bit longer. I wish I could shield him from the world a little bit longer. And at the same time, pray that we have prepared him in the way he deserves.

This is what is on my heart on this night- this eve of Sam being halfway to manhood.